Sunday, March 29, 2009

The State of Are

I feel the need to write tonight. I have nothing profound to say. I am not climbing atop my refrigerator soapbox to spew about the injustices of the world. I'm not sad. I'm not particularly happy, either. I just am. Its that place of near nothingness where no spectacular, or even unspectacular, events have occurred. There is no excitement, no real joy, no sorrow, no depression. That place where you just.... are.

Its like the opposite of Neverland. In Neverland, you never grow old. You use your imagination to feed yourself brilliantly color mush that is neverendingly satisfying. There are faeries, and magic, and tick tocking crocodiles. There are sword fights with pirates and food fights with friends. In Neverland, there is constant action, adventure, danger, and amusement. There is always something. Some purpose. Some presence. Some meaning.

In this land, for which I have no name, everything has a grey tone. There is no color, no faerie dust, no green grass, no crocodiles. There is boredom, and lonesomeness, and dull aches. It is so... there... that it shall remain nameless because a proper noun attached to it would give it some meaning that is undeserved. Some presence. Some purpose.

I am not sad tonight. I am not depressed. I have no cause for happiness or delight. I just am. Its not a terrible place to be, I suppose. It is better than lying collapsed in a heap on the floor, sobbing from some terrible occurrence. It is more desirable than suffering with pain or sickness or grief. But, I am still longing for more. Longing for a purpose, for a reason to keep going, for some delight and joy and happiness. Really, I am waiting for my life to begin, and that is a depressing thought. At 26, my life should be well on its way. But, alas and alack, that is not the case. I suppose that I shall have to continue along this grey path until I can manage to break through the dull brush along the side and into a land where there is something. Some purpose. Some presence. Some meaning.

A place like Neverland.


Becca Joy said...

I have to admit that I feel exactly the same way. I've been in that place without a name for weeks, and I have yet to find a cure. I'm kinda glad to know I'm not alone in just... being. Hopefully we'll get kicked in the butt soon enough with some kind of joy and purpose. Till then, I'm right there with you.

Anonymous said...

This is the struggle of almost every woman (it is in Captivating, somewhere!). Even though I have everything I thought I could ever want in life (for me it was marriage and kids), I wake up, and feel like I have no purpose some days. I think things like, if I just had a job where I could talk to other people, feel fulfilled personally, and a regular schedule that I would feel differently. But, I know that isn't the truth. It is just something I am going to have to work to cultivate, contentment and joy.

Cody S. said...

Be careful what you wish for, or you may very well end up with Neverland Ranch. I think thats a place that noone would want to go to willingly...