Controversy and Conflict and Enigmas

I find myself in a conundrum of conflicted feelings tonight. I tend to find myself inexplicably drawn towards controversy. This I find a somewhat odd aspect of my person, considering that I run from conflict. By run, I mean flee in the opposite direction as if someone has lit my underpants ablaze. Perhaps this seeming disconnection of self in regards to a love of controversy against a hatred of conflict has to do with one being a battle of intellect and the other a clash of a physical nature. Controversy involves ideas, ideals, virtues, blacks and whites and greys. Controversy includes varied thoughts between opposing parties that begs the question of right and wrong. It is oft an issue of morality. Conflict, on quite the other hand, is an extroverted expression. It involves arguing, fighting, more physical manifestations of adversarial feelings. As a course of nature, controversy and conflict do meet and cross paths. Some might even argue that there is actually no true separation between the two.

But, in typical Bethany fashion, I do separate the two out in my mind. Conflict, bad. Controversy, good. I do enjoy the mental and moral workout that controversy provides. I believe that ones values only become true after they are tried and tested. I am the type that encourages questioning one's faith, values, beliefs and only after that do they truly become one's own. Controversy is like a playground for moral exercise, forcing you to go up and down and around and through your values to find out what the truth is, to discover what one's backing is and if perhaps one needs to reevaluate.

I watched a film tonight, one that has highly controversial content. I nearly feel bad for enjoying it, but it was excellently created and filmed, and I am so much about the art of movies that I have the capacity to overlook things that perhaps I should not. The film had an underlying theme of humanitarian murder, which is perhaps one of the most oxymoronic phrases ever devised. Murder is not humanitarian. Ever. Period. And yet, the controversy behind the theme moved me. Yes, the actions were wrong on the deepest level, and yet... There is this other level that my humanness can relate to and understand, even if that part of me that can comprehend it belongs in the deepest part of hell. The fact that I can associate with what the character's intent was, and I believe most of you reading this would be able to as well, does not change the fact that the point of controversy is still wrong. If I know that beyond question, I do find it interesting that I still connect with it. Knowing something is remarkably wrong on moral grounds, and yet still relate....

It is an enigma, is it not?