Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Little Pieces of Me

I'm getting tired of slipping into funks. Work funks, life funks, relationship funks. We all suffer from funkiness on occasion and I don't believe that any of us particularly like them. My funks are typically not of the severe sort, just enough to bring my mood down to a brooding level and make me want to just sleep it all away.

I've been recently struggling with a funk that was previously unknown to me: loneliness. I'm not a lonely person. I've been forced over the years to be comfortable with being by myself and alone, to the point where I've embraced it and has become a necessity to get that time to myself. However, there is definitely some falsity to the phrase "you can't get too much of a good thing." I think I'm basically over all of my superwoman independence. I am beginning to dread coming home to an empty house at night, I'm learning that my conversation skills are deficient due to a lack of exercise.

My very good friend, Leah, spent a week with me while on hiatus from long-term missions in Guatemala. I can't lie... It was awesome coming home and being greeted by someone who did not walk on all fours and stand about 18 inches high. We had dinner, drank wine, asked about each other's days... And it was amazing. Silly, right? Something so simplistic as having someone close enough to share every day things with can really make such a tremendous difference.

I feared as Leah's time with me came to a close that I would depress. That my feelings of loneliness and isolation would be magnified even more. Its incredible how being reminded of the fruitfulness of relationships when it is sorely lacking in one's life can impact a person on such a level. I knew that this was true when my mom called after I had dropped Leah off at the airport and asked if I would miss her and I nearly burst into tears. I know its kind of selfish. Wanting someone to stay around simply for your sake. But it is what it is (and hopefully Leah will be flattered! Te quiero mucho!)

It was a stark reminder of how God created us to be relational beings. That we were not meant to live this life out alone. I was reading something the other day on the Eastern State Penitentiary (don't ask) and their method of solitary confinement during imprisonment. There were direct links in the prisoners of insanity from such severe isolation tactics. I couldn't help but find that interesting. We are so much meant to be with and around other human beings that the lack of a human connection can actually drive a person out of their mind.

I know that I am in this place of my life for a reason. Yes, I do struggle with loneliness. No, I am not miserable. Its hard, sure. But, most things in life carry with them a certain level of difficulty and this is no exception. Its a time where I can focus solely on the things that God has for me, on my purpose, on my personal path, and just wait to see what's in store. Maybe this place of reclusion will soon be at a close. Maybe it will be for the rest of my life. In the end, I know it will be for the best and I've learned to not want for things that I cannot change. Just to hope for a brighter tomorrow and trust that fate is not what controls my life, rather the hand of God.


Anonymous said...

Sometimes you can be surrounded by people and still be lonely.It comes with a different set of challenges. Believe me, my conversation skills are more lacking than yours. You talk to adults at work, I talk to a 4 year old. I find myself calling the bathroom a potty even when there are no kids around! I think you are an amazing woman just for the record :)

Cody S. said...

To approximately quote the Hilltop Hoods, (or perhaps the devil, depending on your perspective in relation to the particular songs lyrics), "loneliness is torture most painful".

Unfortunate but true...although, I'm not sure whats wrong with a furry four legged 18 inch high compadre. I cant imagine what is unfulfilling about that conversation... =P