Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Intertwining Tendrils of the Heart

Matters of the heart are strange things. Particularly a woman's heart. Us dames have a particular affinity to feel on a much deeper level than our male counterparts. Our emotions can control our lives if not kept in check and can completely overtake every thought in a day if left to run rampant. They are the monsoon on the unstable tiny private islands that is a woman's life whom, if left without a life raft, is likely to drown in their overwhelming force. Regardless of whether we like it or not, women are emotional creatures. Personally... I dislike this tremendously at times.

While my hard exterior shell is often deceiving, I am an exceptionally emotional woman. I was recently equated to an M&M; hard on the outside, all soft and gooshy on the inside. This fact is little known to the average person, and can only be seen once one is allowed up close. Life circumstances have forced me to become "tough", or at least it felt forced to me. My independent nature largely prevents me from being able to accept much help or emotional support from friends and family. I do believe that it drives them all insane, and I am trying to get better at that.

With my tough exterior come some misconceptions. My M&M shell leads people to believe that I am incredibly strong and secure. Ha. Several years ago, I was talking with my sister about an episode taking place in my life and she said to me, "I don't understand why you are having such a hard time with this. You're so tough." My very first thought was, "My God.... I even have my own sister fooled."

My sister Faith is my best friend. I tell her nearly everything and she knows more about me than any other person on earth. The fact that at one point I had her fooled about how "tough" I was probably means I should get an Oscar for Bullcrapper of the Year. She has wised up since then and I think can see through my charades more often than not. As a result, I think my shell has started to melt a bit, allowing the squishy insides to start oozing out a bit.

A rather copious downside to my squishy, emotional interior is this: I have an astonishingly hard time letting go. When it comes to those matters of the heart that are so very near and dear to me, I simply cannot easily loosen my often vise-like grip. I want to keep those things close because it just pains me to such an extreme to let them go. I hold on to hope well beyond the point that I should because of the "just in case." One who is not quite so emotional would likely be able to release those things easier. For myself, it is akin to prying an orange out of a monkey's grip. Good luck.

The phrase "Let go and let God", as cliche as that may be, is an obvious valid point. Simply letting go of that grip that I keep on the matters of my heart would remove my clumsy attempt at controlling a situation and allow the Master of my heart to take over. He wants and knows what is best for me and I should be trusting Him with those things most important to me. This is all great in theory, but putting it into practice is a completely different affair altogether. Actually let go of that which matters most to me? Its horrifying. And yet, we are commanded to do so. I... am commanded to do so.

But how does one do that? In reality, how does one release something that is so intertwined in one's heart? It pains me to simply think about it. Yet, I know that my God will take so much better care of the matters of my heart than I ever can. He knows my past, my present, and most importantly, my future. He knows. Who better to trust with my most valued treasures than Someone whose existence revolves around me?

These realizations leave me with no choice, and surely no better choice, than to continue learning how to release. Figuring out how to put my emotions aside and let the King of Glory step into my heart and clean up the mess that I have created. It will be painful, no doubt. But the end result will be more than worth it.


Granddad said...

Baby. There is a word in the Bible I've come to love. "Suddenly". God, give my beautiful little girl a SUDDENLY. Big smooches.

vickie said...

Wow, I love your Daddy's comment.. That's how it makes me feel too. I pray you receive a big SUDDENLY!!! You are awesome Bethany and when the voice comes to tell you something different!!! Just tell it to shut up. We all have insecurities and stuff that wants to sit on us.... "head UP and shoulders BACK." That's the word I choose to take to heart when I am feeling emotional..and other stuff... Love you girl!!!