Ponderances and Decisions

One of my favorite phrases is "life has been very life-like lately." Its a fabulous way of getting across that things aren't necessarily terrible, but they may not be so great either. I do feel that the last few weeks have been very, well... life-like.

Combine all the drama with my car, depression issues, sleep deprivation, and certain tragic incidences, its all been a bit overwhelming and I've found myself repressing the urge to smash my head into the corner of something heavy. Okay, so it really hasn't been quite that bad. But still, I feel that I can make the case for life being slightly less than desirable in recent weeks.

I have often been quoted as saying that I find it simply incredulous that children at the age of 17 or 18 are forced by society to pick their life's path in the form of a college major. I mean, seriously, at age 17 one is still so young and naive as to think that life is going to all work out exactly the way one wants it. Should people such as these be trusted with life-altering decisions? I think not! One of my most pressed suggestions with high schoolers is as follows: "take as many elective courses as you possibly can. Even if you're not sure if you'll like it." My reason for saying this is that, if given the right circumstances, one can learn so much about oneself in college through random course taking. One discover interests and talents that one never knew existed. One's path may alter completely based off of a single course.

Sadly, I was not afforded this opportunity in my advice during my college stay. Being an education major for my first 5 semesters of college, each semester was essentially planned out for me and jam-packed tight full of required courses. I believe I had 6 credits of free electives for my entire college career (how depressing!). However, one of those required courses did alter my career path nonetheless. A hellish semester with 5 required classes in my major (Secondary Education with a concentration in History) also brought along an Instructional Technology class that prompted a change of heart and brought about a switch in major midway though my junior year. A bit late for changing my mind, huh?

Here I am, nearly 5 years after college graduation. First off, I am flabbergasted that I am 5 years out from my undergrad degree. How does that happen? Each day pushes me closer to the 30 year mark, and I have a single thought that runs through my cranium every single day: What am I doing with my life? Yes! It is so true! I am about to head into my "late twenties" and I'm still relatively clueless as to what I am actually doing with my life. I have heard that this is a common theme amongst humans. I've had 50 year old people tell me that they still don't know what they want to be when they grow up. I do not find this encouraging. Another 25 years of swimming around in the sea of indecision does not sound like a good time.

I am on a quest to find out my life's calling recently. Well, not really recently. I suppose its more a quest that I've been on for the last 26 years, its just become accelerated as of late. I do believe that some light may be beginning to shine at the end of the tunnel. I'm hoping that I may get some direction soon, or I may just get steamrolled by the train that is attached to said light. Who knows. I do know that God knows the plans that He has for me. And they are plans to prosper me and not to harm me.

I'll simply take comfort in that. For now.

Sue Jakiela

I first met Sue about 5 years ago. She brought her daughter, Esther, into one of my dance classes and I remember being struck by her quiet strength that just emanated from her. As I got to know Sue over the next few years, I discovered that her walk with the Lord was tremendous. She was one of those people who trusted her God for every single thing in life, was optimistic in everything, knowing that she would be taken care of and that nothing was too much for her to bear, as long as her Lord was beside her. Her son, Caleb, had a hearing dysfunction, which later contributed to learning problems once he was of school age. Still, Sue was strong. She was an inspiration to all, she would light up a room the instant she walked into it. She took care of her body, eating so healthy (I never understood how she could do that!), ran miles every week.

About 15 months ago, Sue came to the studio to drop Esther off and sat in the waiting area like she had done every Monday evening for the last 4 years. I noticed that she was holding her head off to the side, and naturally asked if she was okay. "Oh, I just woke up with this kink in my neck the other day and it will not go away!", she said. A trip to the doctor's later on that week revealed nothing. Sue told me the following Monday that the doctor had wanted to prescribe anti-depressants, since apparently that would solve everything. Because of the strength of her faith, Sue refused, stating that she knew that it was not an emotional issue that was causing the problem.

The following week, Sue was not there. Her husband was dropping off Esther, which was unusual. When I asked if she was okay, I heard those dreaded, dreaded words. Sue has cancer. I'm sure that utter shock must have registered on my face. "It can't possibly be!", I thought. Sue, of all people. The woman who had taken quite literally that her body was a temple of the Holy Spirit. The woman whose faith was a rock. That woman could not possibly have cancer.

As the details started pouring in, it was discovered that Sue had Stage 4 cancer in her collarbone and also her liver. Aggressive treatments were started immediately to try to slow the spread of the disease. I didn't see Sue for a while, but received updates from her husband often, and I called and emailed on occasion to find out how she was.

Last June, I was very surprised by Sue's presence at the dance recital. I struggled through several conversations with her that day. She had always been very thin, but she was down to about 90 pounds at this point. The chemo was ravaging her body and was not as effective as the doctors had hoped. She had started on experimental treatments in hopes that they would achieve better results.

That was the last time I saw Sue. I received word early this afternoon that Sue had fought, fought so hard, but had lost her battle with cancer. She went to be with the Lord at around 8 this morning. She was determined that the cancer would not get the best of her, and it never did. She kept her faith and her optimism until the very end. I know that she used her sickness to witness to many, and to be an inspiration to all she met.

In times like this, it is impossible to not ask why. Why?? With all of the Osama bin Laden's in the world. Of all those who spread hate, and agony, and misery.... Why someone like Sue? I heard it put so very well one time that God chooses the strong of faith and heart to endure these awful things sometimes because He knows their hearts. He knows their faith. He knows that they will be the epitome of His love because of the essence of who they are. Because they love Him above all else and will keep that in front of them at all times. Because they will be an inspiration and a walking testament of God's unfailing love and faithfulness in their lives. It is one of those things that is very hard for those that love them to accept. I don't want to accept it. But, I will. Knowing that God has her best in mind. That she was used of her Father in tremendous ways, and there can be no regrets there.

Sue, you will never be forgotten. We love you and will miss you terribly. Thank you for everything that your life meant, for all that you are, for what you were to your family and friends. Thank you for your life and the blessing that it was.

Imprints

First day back. I can't lie... It was brutal. Returning to life as usual after an experience that has essentially altered who you are is akin to attempting to shove a round peg into that square hole. It just doesn't seem to fit. Even if it was something that fit previously, you now have new edges, new curves, a new shape that simply will not match up to the person you were before. It is unnerving, frustrating, disturbing. This change is something that was needed. Desperately. I longed for it, invited it, welcomed it. But, the question to be asked now is... Where do I go from here? Where do I fit? What do I do with this new me that is unfamiliar, in a sense, a stranger?

It was well known to me that I would come back a different person. It is impossible to go through experiences such as I have had the past week and remain the same. Impossible. But when one is longing and desiring that change, I dare say that it brings even more of an effect than perhaps expected.

I almost felt like a teenager today. One that was going through that time of life when the body is changing at a rapid pace. There is that awkwardness, that self-consciousness, that unknowingness that accompanies swift change. How does one act? How does one react? How does one adjust, compromise, realign with this new person that is unfamiliar?

All these questions have been running through my mind today. My dislike of the materialistic and selfish lifestyle that we call the American Dream has been nothing but a burden today. Its difficult hearing of money and resources being wasted when there are children around the world that are literally starving to death. Its hard having people look at me like I have two heads when I say that I plan on returning to the ghettos of Guatemala, and other places around the world, soon. What I simply do not understand is how people do not understand that. We have such an opportunity as citizens of a wealthy nation to make a difference in the lives of fellow human beings around the world. How can we sit idly by while knowing that there is such a great need? It baffles me. It angers me.

I know that I will re-acclimate to my life here. I just pray that the change in me will stay. I do not think that the difficult things in life are worth it unless the change they produce remains. My true desire is that my life, my heart, and my soul will not return to the way they were. That the imprints left on my soul will continue on throughout the rest of my existence.

That... is my true desire.

At a Loss for Words....

There are days, weekends, weeks, months, that remind you how fragile life is. How your existence, your mind, your emotions, your soul, can be snatched away in an instant, with no warning. I have known four separate people who have lost someone close to them within the last 3 weeks. It is just unimaginable, especially during a season where life and family are celebrated. It just doesn't seem right. There is an almost unethical sense to it, that it shouldn't be allowed to happen during this time. Its just... wrong.

I have personally never lost anyone close to me. At least not to death. Because of that, I can't necessarily relate to people who are grieving the loss of a loved one. I don't know what to say, how to help them cope, how to make it better. I have this thing where I always need to make things better. Times like this make my heart bleed, because how can you make this better? How can you take away some of the pain, or even provide a salve? You can't. You can only be a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear. Not that those are small things, but they don't fix anything. There is no magic cure.

I thank God that my babies are healthy. I thank God that their organs are working and that their body isn't fighting against them. I thank God that my family and friends are vibrant in life, that their hearts and livers and brains and all their other important organs are functioning fully. But I pray, and my heart goes out to those who are suffering, those who know loss on a more intimate level than anyone should. I won't give you the pat, Sunday school answers about how "everything happens for a reason" and "one day, all of this will make sense." I will just listen and love and be a shoulder.

And I will pray.

95/5 Is Not My Idea of Fun

I realize that I have been slacking in my blogging... um.... responsibility... as of late. Or whatever it is. Life has been very life-like lately and thus my mind has been scattered on other things. Not fun things, mind you. But life things. The kind of things that make you want to scream and freak out and hide under the bed for the rest of your existence. I've seriously considered the latter part there many, many times over the past few weeks. However, after much consideration, I decided against it on the basis that it may be upsetting for some people that like me, for whatever reason that is. I, however, believe that hiding from life under my bed with the monsters and dust bunnies sounds like a marvelous idea. I would no longer have to deal with anything, besides maybe being a little cramped and starving to death. But, hey, those sound like easy challenges. Right?

Sometimes is does feel like "life" is synonymous with "crap"... and "hell"... and "awfulness", doesn't it? When God said "in this life, you will have trials and tribulations", He sure as heck wasn't kidding. I think he said that to cover His butt. That way we can't turn around and yell at God and say that he didn't warn us. He sure did. Personally, if I were God, I believe I would have phrased it slightly different. Like "life blows. Get over it."

Sure, life isn't all bad. It does have its brief moments of non-awfulness, however far and few in between they may present themselves. I'd sure like more of an even split. Why not 50/50? Half crap and half amazing. Heck, 70/30 would even be an improvement. This whole 95/5 uneven keel is just not cutting the cake. It simply and purely is not my idea of a good time.

I am focusing on the hope of a non-crappy tomorrow. It may not be a literal tomorrow, but one day... things will get better. The new year is just blooming with promise of less crappy-ness of life-like crap. Or at least I keep telling myself that, since I have no real proof to back it up. Its just hope. Sometimes it does feel like hope is more of just a lie. But I guess in this case, its a good lie. A lie for the possibility of good, even if it seems improbable and unreachable. Or maybe life will surprise me... That would be nice.

In the Want of Something

I feel the need to clarify some points about my job, as per my first rambling. I don't hate my job. I don't even dislike it... most days... I mean, don't get me wrong. Its not called a "job" for nothing. We go to "work" 5 days a week, and its called that because... well... frankly, it is work. While I may not spring out of bed every morning, with a look of glee on my face and say "Oh joyous! I get to go to my oh-so-wonderful JOB today!!", generally speaking, its far from bad. Although, I did basically work for one of Satan's minions prior to my current place of employment, and referred to my at-the-time office as "the Seventh Circle of Hell," so, I may be slightly more inclined to like any job that isn't the loathesome "InfoHell." The Fifth Circle of Hell would even have been an improvement.

My job doesn't really fall into any of the Circles of Hell. Well, except on days where I wake up in a panic from thinking about the bazillion and a half items on one list of many that I need to keep track of (see last blog). Those days it might be the One-fifths Circle of Hell, or Two-thirds Circle of Hell. Maybe.

Any dissatisfaction that I may have in my current occupation is based around the fact that I don't feel like I'm doing anything that has any lasting meaning. There is a certain level of contentedness that I feel from what I do 8 to 5 (if I'm lucky) Monday through Friday. But it lacks a sense of purpose. Purpose is very important for someone like me (ya know, the crazy neurotic type). I crave that feeling that my toiling isn't just a paycheck. It isn't just the typical corporate hodge-podge that is seen in today's business. I mean, it is business. The primary goal of business is to make money. Pick up any business magazine and the headlines will all be based around how to make more profit and how Joe Schmoe down the street made 5 million by simply making adjustments to his business model. While all of that is valid, and for some, completely fine and dandy, I don't care so much about the dollar as I do really leaving a footprint on the earth. Granted, those greenbacks do come in handy for shoe and purse shopping...

Its idealistic, I know. But I do have that ideal that my life will mean something more than how much money I have stashed away in the vault. I want more than that. Its incredible to know that your life has changed someone else's, and it is my true desire to feel that my vocation is having a positive impact directly, or even indirectly, on the lives of others. That thirst for meaning, for something more, leaves me coming up a little empty by being one of the fish in the Sea of Corporate. Solomon spoke right to the center of the issue in saying that "its all meaningless, a chasing after the wind." In my own life, corporate lacks purpose, it is merely a chasing after the wind.

Yeah, blah blah blah, you can make your job your mission field and change the lives of those around you. Its the Sunday School answer that I've heard for years. And while that may be very true, I've been witness to it in my own life on several occasions, it just doesn't cut the cake. The fulfillment of that will last for a while, but like most things, it fades away and I'm left again with that yearning for more. The want of something. Anything.

Perhaps its a selfish ambition. I've wondered that many, many times over the past 4.5 years since I was booted out into the "real world" after college graduation. Why am I feeling like something is just missing? I am positive that there are elements of the future life that I will lead which have yet to come to fruition, and that is conceivably why I still struggle with this hole in my soul that just can't seem to be filled. Maybe once those pieces of the jigsaw fall into place, I'll get that sense of fulfillment that I'm so desperately looking for. Maybe I'm just pointing the finger at Corporate America because I can't find anything else to blame it on. Or maybe I'm spot-on and I'm just not cut out for the rat race.

Who knows. The question of "am I doing the right thing?" is one that plagues many, particularly those living the awkwardness of growing up. Perchance that question needs to be rephrased to "am I doing the right thing for right now?" It is likely a much easier conclusion to grasp. Rather than trying to take on the next 70 years, how about just the next 5?

So, I will continue to search out my answers to what is right for me right now. I am confident that God does have an awesome plan for my life. It may leave me exactly where I am, or it may lead me on an incredible adventure into unknown places. Honestly, I'm rather hoping for the latter....

Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should... -Max Ehrmann