Imprints

First day back. I can't lie... It was brutal. Returning to life as usual after an experience that has essentially altered who you are is akin to attempting to shove a round peg into that square hole. It just doesn't seem to fit. Even if it was something that fit previously, you now have new edges, new curves, a new shape that simply will not match up to the person you were before. It is unnerving, frustrating, disturbing. This change is something that was needed. Desperately. I longed for it, invited it, welcomed it. But, the question to be asked now is... Where do I go from here? Where do I fit? What do I do with this new me that is unfamiliar, in a sense, a stranger?

It was well known to me that I would come back a different person. It is impossible to go through experiences such as I have had the past week and remain the same. Impossible. But when one is longing and desiring that change, I dare say that it brings even more of an effect than perhaps expected.

I almost felt like a teenager today. One that was going through that time of life when the body is changing at a rapid pace. There is that awkwardness, that self-consciousness, that unknowingness that accompanies swift change. How does one act? How does one react? How does one adjust, compromise, realign with this new person that is unfamiliar?

All these questions have been running through my mind today. My dislike of the materialistic and selfish lifestyle that we call the American Dream has been nothing but a burden today. Its difficult hearing of money and resources being wasted when there are children around the world that are literally starving to death. Its hard having people look at me like I have two heads when I say that I plan on returning to the ghettos of Guatemala, and other places around the world, soon. What I simply do not understand is how people do not understand that. We have such an opportunity as citizens of a wealthy nation to make a difference in the lives of fellow human beings around the world. How can we sit idly by while knowing that there is such a great need? It baffles me. It angers me.

I know that I will re-acclimate to my life here. I just pray that the change in me will stay. I do not think that the difficult things in life are worth it unless the change they produce remains. My true desire is that my life, my heart, and my soul will not return to the way they were. That the imprints left on my soul will continue on throughout the rest of my existence.

That... is my true desire.

Dia Siete- The Last Day

Today was the last day of my being able to see and smell all the things that makes Guatemala everything that it is. This week has flown by at a velocity that was incredible. In a sense, it feels like I've been here no less than a month, simply because there were innumerable experiences packed into a mere 8 days. I have seen, felt and encountered more than anticipated. My heart has hurt more than it has in all my 26 years on this earth. My mind has been chaotically skipping around in every direction, burdened by the thoughts of poverty and tragedy that consumes La Limonada. Every sense that I have has been bombarded on every side by the faces and voices of the ravine of the ghetto. I wish that I could do more, be more to these people. To be able to provide a salve for pain, for the injuries that life has caused them. I know that I cannot reach every person, but I will do my best to help the ones I can. There is so much need. So much hunger. So much pain. Yet so much hope for tomorrow, which can be seen in the eyes of the children. They simply need a chance.

At 9:15 tomorrow morning, the soles of my feet will leave Guatemalan soil, headed towards the country I call home. I know that the transition back into my life will be difficult, but I also know that is where God has me for now. My heart will ache, my mind will constantly wander back here. But I can only pray and do what I can to help the tiny voices of La Limonada to give them a hope for a future.

My life has been forever changed. It has been an incredible, amazing experience. One that I will cherish the rest of my life.

Dia Seis- Last Day in the Ghetto

Today came with the sad promise of another goodbye, this time to the ghetto and rest of the children in Las Esquelitas. Whoever would have thought that saying goodbye to such a filthy and desperate place would be so difficult. My heart went out to the small faces of the ghetto the moment I laid eyes on them, and I believe that it may stay here with them. These kids just give so much love and are just looking for love in return.

It has been an incredibly difficult week. I have been exhausted in every way possible, my body simply aches with physical stress and lack of rest. But the thought of leaving, of returning to my life as usual, is enough to make me want to cling to a chair in Tita's dining room and scream if anyone tries to drag me away. While I miss my family, I miss my friends, I will miss this place horribly. There is something about just pouring everything that you have into other people that is so fulfilling. It is unlike anything else. This week has really been a reminder to me of the important things in life, how success is really measured in the lives that you touch and the relationships that you hold.

I have spent so much time this week in prayer and deep thought about my calling, about what God has created me for. I believe that my experiences here have brought some passions and desires of mine to the forefront. It has been an eye opening experience. I'm not sure where I will be going from here, but I know that I was called for a time such as this and with these passions for a reason. I don't know where God will take me, but I do know that it will be places that I never expected. Its amazing how God works that way. You can always expect the unexpected with our God.

As I said goodbye to the ghetto today, I knew that it was not for long. I can't come here, meet these amazing people, kiss all the tiny faces and then leave forever.

I will be back... And soon...